


Saved

by I_eat_nightmares



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 Despair, Angst, M/M, cas pov of him thinking about dean over the years, sam and jack are here for like a minute i didnt think it was enough to tag them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_eat_nightmares/pseuds/I_eat_nightmares
Summary: Cas should’ve known it would end this way. Some part of him always did. He didn’t mean to say it with love when he declared that Dean Winchester was saved, but now that was all he could feel. He saved Dean once, all for the honor of doing it again (“and again and again I need to save him again!” his heart screamed. A part of them wondered if maybe the empty would find them by the volume of the scream he wasn’t vocalizing or if maybe Billie stopped knocking when he spoke because even Death is moved by love.).
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 14





	Saved

It wasn't love at first sight, not by a long shot. Castiel felt strongly, stronger than he had ever felt before, the first time he saw Dean Winchester in hell. He yelled loud enough to wake some of his siblings that were long gone, but that shout of triumph led next to pride with a small hint of fondness. They knit Dean Winchester back together, molecule by molecule, bit by bit, no living being could've known someone so intimately, held them so close, and not felt some sort of joy and pride toward them.

Dean Winchester was not what they expected, which surprised him in a way that shouldn't have been possible. Castiel had seen and known every inch of Dean Winchester and still did not _know_ him. Whatever emotion that was meant to accompany that was not one Castiel could possess then, so instead disappointment took hold. The righteous man couldn't hear his true voice and made him hurt Pamela Barnes in his insistence to understand what Castiel was trying desperately to communicate. He was a human just like every other.

Time freed Castiel, just as it did every time he left heaven, even if he could not remember. He started to rebel quicker than he ever had before. Other angels thought at first they simply loved humanity too much, and the apocalypse was taking its toll, but when Castiel fought the way of heaven again in such a short time, it became clear that their love of humanity wasn't causing the problems; it was his love of _humanity_.

Castiel still did not call it love, per say, even as he gave his life and everything else he had for this man. Dean Winchester was not the righteous man Castiel (now just Cas) dreamed of, but he was something beautiful. Castiel loved at this point in time, but he loved everything. He loved humanity and earth and plants and animals. What he felt for Dean was just what he felt for many things. (Looking back on that in his final moments changed it all. They loved all of these things because they loved Dean. Dean loved humans and had faith and hope for the future of humanity. Castiel loved this earth and its creatures because he saw Dean in all of them. These plants were green like Dean’s eyes, was Dean a cat person or a dog person, Dean laughed like that man he saw on the street, and Cas knew Dean would’ve loved his bees if Cas could’ve presented them better.)

Cas couldn’t trace back a moment where he knew he loved Dean, couldn’t even find a vague time period. He didn’t, until one day he did. The closest Cas could get was looking at these simple moments. His frustration showed his love for Dean in the earlier days. They loved him, but Lord, did they hate him. He was kind, strong, beautiful, and loving, but he was also an ass. His rejections and their fights stung, but Castiel always came back and Dean always welcomed him (even if not immediately). Castiel made a million mistakes that lead to a million more, but Dean was there to help. Cas felt their anger and he pushed Dean away at times, something Dean reciprocated in kind, but knowing that Dean was the source of his anger always made rage sweeter.

Reciprocity did not cross Castiel’s mind for a long time. There were always other issues for the both of them, something more pressing than how they felt, so Cas never laid in the room he didn’t need at night and stared at the ceiling knowing that Dean was just a few rooms away. Cas never entertained the idea of going to the man, and never thought about what it would be like to not only have Dean near, but to have him _there_. (Castiel got better at it, but lying was never his specialty, not even to himself.) It was a surprise even to himself when he acquired his son and how things changed. Castiel told himself he didn’t need or want Dean in any ways he didn’t already have, but when he got angry with Dean over Jack, it wasn’t like it should have been. This was not the anger between friends, this was Cas angry that the love of his life did not want their son. Jack wasn’t their son (not yet, Cas thinks as he reminisces during his final goodbye) and Dean was not the love of his life, so why did Cas feel such a personal betrayal upon discovering Dean’s behavior?

Cas never let himself think too far into how a life with Dean would go, but even those few short dreams were crushed with time. His deal would keep him from realizing them and as juvenile as it seems, Cas came to fear even the idea of loving and being loved by Dean would kill him. A few tendrils of hope held out as long as they could, but Castiel disregarded the last of his hopes after Jack’s passing. Even being in the same building as Dean brought out an anger in him that Castiel couldn’t stand anymore. He hated because he loved, but if this was the cost, he couldn’t love Dean Winchester anymore.

The world seemed to dim as everything he loved in the universe was poisoned by his pain. Dean would like that car, this was one of Dean’s favorite songs, it would’ve been greater than the most perfect heaven to take Dean to dinner at this restaurant. Jack adored this movie, this store has his favorite snacks, and all Cas wanted to do was to go back _home_ and have Dean and his son waiting for him.

* * *

Jack was alive.

Jack was alive and getting stronger and he was going to fix this and Cas wanted to go scream from the rooftops, yell that it was going to get better, and kiss Dean Winchester.

They kept their distance, despite no longer having it in them to be angry. He hated Dean because he loved him, but all Cas had in him now was love. Dean could bring back the anger, he knew, but that thought just made Cas fall deeper each time it occurred.

Once he and Jack could go home again, everything was so perfect and not anywhere near what Cas wanted. He left heaven for this man and would do it a thousand times again; Cas knew there had to be a point where he couldn’t care anymore about Dean, but each time he thought he reached it Dean cared more and loved more and even if it wasn’t love for him it always gripped Cas’s heart harder, and Cas was starting to care and love so much it hurt. He loved movie night (even loved Dean’s _terrible_ taste in films), but he wanted to scoot closer to Dean and take off his coat and just lean into the man for warmth. Someone always ended up making some kind of breakfast, and Cas was content to sit and talk as the others ate, but he wanted to cook and taste and join in this moment, they wanted to make breakfast for their partner and their son and his brother in law, not just to sit and try not to stare. It was his angelic nature that allowed him into the lives of the Winchester’s, but seeing Sam and Eileen getting drunk and making food in the bunker filled him with a kind of jealousy he didn’t know he could have.

Cas’s experience with being human was not something he thought he’d miss this much, but now, they would’ve given anything to just be a normal person who was always there with Dean. Maybe things would be different if he were just different.

* * *

It was after stopping the murderous young woman with Jack that Cas told someone how he felt for the first time. No inferences, no guesses, no prying open his mind with a crowbar to find his secrets, just the plain honest truth. They’d felt so normal and human after working a case on their own, that coming home just to see Amara and Dean was like a punch to the gut.

“I’m in love with Dean.”

“Okay.”

“Oh?”

Cas smiled at Jack as best he could. Cas knew this wouldn’t shake much for him, not much did lately. Too many bombs were dropped on him recently for Cas’s crush to change much. Sam was inviting elaboration without pushing best he knew how, something Cas appreciated.

Cas didn’t mean to say it in the first place, but now that he had a weight was off his shoulders, even if he didn’t know what to do next. They wanted to tell Dean so badly, but he couldn’t do that to him (couldn’t face that final rejection), so they blurted it out even if only to hear it themself, forgetting his audience, who looked at him, waiting patiently.

“I don’t know how long I have. For a while now, at least.” Cas turned his head to the doorway of the kitchen, seeing Sam smile and Jack nod as he looked past.

“Does he know?” Jack leaned in toward Cas and tilted his head.

“No.” Cas’s heart stopped for a moment. “No. I don’t want him to.”

“Wh-”

“Then we won’t say anything.” Sam placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder, gently, stopping his questions.

Cas knew Jack had many questions, and Cas would give anything to avoid them all by just telling Dean, but he couldn’t, so his heart supplied the next best thing: telling Jack he’d fall in love some day and understand. That hurt just as much.

Cas grabbed a beer and brought it to Dean, giving the one he got for himself to Amara.

* * *

Cas should’ve known it would end this way. Some part of him always did. He didn’t mean to say it with love when he declared that Dean Winchester was saved, but now that was all he could feel. He saved Dean once, all for the honor of doing it again (“ _and again and again I need to save him again!_ ” his heart screamed. A part of them wondered if maybe the empty would find them by the volume of the scream he wasn’t vocalizing or if maybe Billie stopped knocking when he spoke because even Death is moved by love.).

He shouldn’t be feeling so elated at this idea. His death could save Dean, he could save Dean, not the righteous man but this man that loved and cared so much that Cas had to as well. That made his grace sing even as he felt the empty start to tear at him. He once feared rejection so much that he pushed away this feeling he craved and let himself pretend he could ever stop loving (so long as Dean loved). Now, as he told Dean about his beauty and their love for him and thought about every moment where he loved Dean before (that is to say, every moment), Cas felt true happiness.

He hated Dean because he loved him, he felt pain because he made him happy, and he died for everything in the world because Dean meant everything and more to him.

* * *

Hearing Dean sob as the empty pulled them away hurt and healed and was so much better and worse than he ever could’ve imagined.

**Author's Note:**

> Me watching supernatural: The he/they has fallen for the "straight" man!
> 
> I haven't written anything for supernatural in years and I've never posted any of it to ao3, but I'm proud of this and I have many feelings about destiel even though I thought I was done with those years ago. Something about unrequited love (that I am making requited Dean loves him back even if you never see him in this fic).
> 
> Please let me know if I made any mistakes and I hope you have a wonderful day!


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